It's abosolutely not safe for me to say out loud that I just want to kick off the bucket to stop my brain from thinking what happens to me in the future. Will I become a failure and have no choice but to live here in the rural  where no sparks of joy happens? Well, there's only one person - the one reason that I am here and he's testing my patience and loyalty every day.  Every time I think  about how I ended up here living with commodities or necessities out of access - water, wifi, road, and sometimes electricity, always makes me want to quit living. I know I have a choice but this other person don't want my choice- what does that mean? Indifference. And you know that is a considered grounds for... you know what, I should stick to sketching and just live this miserable life of constand battle to choose to live. 

I've been battling life for almost 8 years now and the only year that made me stop thinking about dying was last year 2024. I didn't think of dying because my brain was so busy with learning how to drive, getting a driver's license, and traveling using the car that I just bought. Maybe that's my solution of quitting life? Buying cars? I do hope that I could apply that idea into sketching because when I was younger, my mind is very busy with drawing, sketching, and trying to improve my art. Right now, it doesn't feel like that anymore.

Do you have any solution for that?

Also, I wish I wasn't just all about drawing, being an artist and like that. I just want to be a normal person. You know like, the running kind of person, the "I am the gym buddy" type or just the normal gamer person but I am like this ladies and gentle pronouns. A person who likes to draw and constantly thinking about dying. LOL.

I sat here on this coffee shop, alone, raining outside. Can't seem to think of what's best thing to do to minimize anxiety. This rain is so hard I can't even hear myself. Okay, so I just spent Php600 jumping from one cafe to another because I don't have any purpose in my life right now. I sat here with this hot coffee pretending I am busy doing some work but for sure I am just here writing this and thinking about cats.

Maybe I should just draw cats.